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step parent… need advice on this?

i am a step parent to a 12 year old boy. his dad and mom have been divorced for 8years and he absolutely hates me. i have been married to his dad for 7years and he just doesnt like me and neither does the childs mother. he lived with us for 3mths and told lies on me. i dont know if hes doing this because he wants his parents back together or what it is. please give me some advice.

He’s 12. He’s relating to the world in the only way that he knows. If your intentions with him are honorable, as in you would like to develop a relationship with him or you would at least like him to feel comfortable in your home, you will remember that he is a 12 year old whose father divorced and then rather quickly remarried, so he has a right to feel angry.

When he visits, who is responsible for his care- you or his father? If the bulk of the care is falling on you, you may want to shift that responsibility to his father while making yourself a background figure, stable and present when needed but scarce so that he can reconnect with his father and find a modicum of comfort in your home.

You may also want to consider family counseling, it sounds as if you could all use a dose. Maybe you could even invite his mother to a session or two so that you all can have a healthier level of interaction, and the boy will not absorb and incorporate such a high level of angst and displeasure.

Good luck to you. Remember that because he is the person whose development is in critical stages, he is the one who needs to be handled with kid gloves, but that doesn’t mean that your own happiness can be sacrificed.

Step Parenting: How do I get my stepchildren to accept me as a parent??